THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold..'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and
golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. 

The boy says,  'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church
and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now.'

The Modern Doctor at Supermarket

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 

2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

Have a good Laugh...

Taxi Driver

Have a laugh.

If you've  ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this  one...  

 A drunk woman,  stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane , Australia . 
  
The Indian driver opened  his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's  wrong with you Luv, haven't  you ever seen a naked woman  before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be  proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well,  if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what  are you doing then?""Well, I am looking  and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to  myself,

where is this lady keeping the money to  be paying me?!"  
 

Male or Female?

Male or Female?  You might not have known this....but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
     
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their ar$e.

SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male... because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because...over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male... because in the last 5000 years......they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying.

FIRST TIME

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

 

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

 

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent house and meets his girl friend at the door.

 

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

 

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl friend leans over and whispers to the boy friend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

 

The boy turns, and whispers back,

 

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

HOW THE CHINESE STAY PUT IN ITALY

Have a good laugh.....

(Ah Peh is just an old man in chinese)

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.

The Chinese realized that they had no other choice. So they picked middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent them.

Ah Peh asked for one condition to be added to the debate. Since Ah Pope can’t understand Chinese and Ah Peh’s Italian is hopeless and to make it more interesting,  the debate would be conducted in sign language.  

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Ah Peh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Ah Peh looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Ah Peh pointed to the ground at where he sat. The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine. Ah Peh pull out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him what happened?. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions."

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.  He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Peh. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Ah Peh, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here.  I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was leaving." 

"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here." 

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd. "I don't know", said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"  

Little Johnny

Little Johnny
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. 
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made RM30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said Cikgu 
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made RM45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events. " "Very good, Mary" said the teacher 
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "RM 2,467," he said. "RM 2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" 
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. 
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" 
"I found the busiest corner in P J," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Lollipop stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say,"It is dog crap. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"